i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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