i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
