I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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