Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
