Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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