member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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