u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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