My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
