the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
