I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
