Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
