OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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