8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
