Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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