I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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