I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
