I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
