Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
