Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
