It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
