I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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