Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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