I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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