Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
