Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
