No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
