i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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