It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
