If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
