Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
