I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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