She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
how drunk are you?
Several
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize