after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Randomize
