and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
