Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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