My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
