You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
