Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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