you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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