Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
