chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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