Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
