What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
