you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
