just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
