I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
