mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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