Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
