my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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