she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
