Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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