not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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