I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
