My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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